


drunk on this pain

by reylotrash711



Series: reylotrash711 folklore/evermore collection [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, First Kiss, Force Bond, Love, Romance, Tension, dagger - Freeform, kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29441772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylotrash711/pseuds/reylotrash711
Summary: “You could slit my throat.”“I could.”“You’d save the resistance a lot of time.”“I would.”“But you don’t want to.”---Three months after Crait, Rey appears in Kylo Ren's quarters, the mysterious force bond once again at work...inspired bymy tears ricochetby taylor swift
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: reylotrash711 folklore/evermore collection [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084049
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	drunk on this pain

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! Part 5 of my folklore/evermore collection. I am so so sorry for the delay, life has been hectic and I was caught up writing my RFFA Exchange Fic, I highly recommend checking out the collection [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/RFFA_To_Find_Your_Kiss/works)
> 
> Other than that, happy valentine's day to those of you who celebrate it. Whether you are spending it with someone you care about or just chilling out, know that you are loved, no matter what day of the year it is ❤️
> 
> Once again a huge thank you to [Cecilia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceciliasheplin/works) for the beta, I don't know what I'd do without you! 
> 
> And a quick message, there is some insinuation of violence in this fic, I am leaving the details in the endnotes.

She was there when he entered his quarters. 

He froze.

She got to her feet, staring at him with wide eyes.

“You’re here.” He said quietly.

Rey nodded, “I guess I am.” 

She took a step forward.

He took a step back.

She looked hurt.

He felt it in his chest.

She looked down at her feet.

His hand moved to the hilt of the dagger he always kept with him.

Her breath hitched.

He let go. 

—

It had been three months since they had last seen each other. Three months since she had closed the door of his father’s ship in his face and left him kneeling before her. At first, he had hope that the connection hadn’t died with his former master, that when he would least expect it she’d simply appear before him. After a week he decided to reach out, to try and find that string that connected them, giving it a tug in the hope that something would happen. 

He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to scream at her. So many questions floated amongst his thoughts on a daily basis, ranging from why she left him on the Supremacy to if she was on a planet with rain. He hoped she was, just so that maybe there was a chance she would appear before him with that bright smile across her face as she reached out to touch the cool water that fell from the sky. Just as she had on Ahch-To. Before she had called him a monster. 

After a month, he decided to give up. The connection was truly gone and they’d probably only meet again in battle and he knew she’d strike him down. He wouldn’t blame her if she did. 

And yet, there was the glimmer of hope. He hated it so much, that ray of light within him that assured him that she was out there somewhere, waiting at the other end of a string. Sometimes, late at night as he lay in bed, cursing her name and wishing she had stayed, he’d feel a tiny tug in the distance, reminding him that she was there. Somewhere. Waiting. 

Well, he liked to think she was waiting. For what he wasn’t sure. 

Life as Supreme Leader was difficult, it was exhausting and painful at times. Naturally, he hated it. He’d never liked politics. But he had everything now, he had anything he wanted, go anywhere he wanted. Except for home of course.

Home. 

He was fairly certain he didn’t have one of those anymore. 

For a brief moment, in a stone hut by a warm fire, he had thought that he’d finally found one, a place where he felt… complete. Maybe if his uncle hadn’t so rudely interrupted, it could’ve been. 

At night he wondered what could have been. Each night as he struggled to sleep, he heard her voice, gentle and soft as she assured him that he wasn’t alone. He dreamed of her, she plagued his every thought, chasing him as he tried in vain to forget her. To forget that light that had offered him a way out. 

For a while, he was belligerent that he had been right. But as time went on, he deeply regretted not going with her. He regretted not going to Crait alone, to run through that damn base without a care for what anyone said, running until he was a few metres in front of her. That was one of his most frequent dreams, coming face to face with her again. Sometimes they fought, sometimes they simply stood in silence. The worst ones were when she stepped forward and reached out to him, caressing his cheek as tears ran down his cheeks and she gave him a comforting smile. He missed her more than he could describe. 

And now here she was. Standing just a few feet away from him. 

There were a thousand things he wanted to say. But his guard was up. She had still been the one to leave him for dead on the Supremacy, hence his hesitation as he reached for the dagger. It was smaller than his lightsaber, easier to conceal and hide on his person. At night he kept it under his pillow.  "Hux's actions had been drenched with insubordination ever since Crait; he was sure the general was planning something and he was going to be ready for it.

He wanted to apologise to her, tell her everything or maybe just hold her for a while. Naturally, he couldn’t bring himself to do either. So he resorted to what he was good at, being Kylo Ren. 

“Still running with your precious Resistance.” He said, his expression hardening as his eyes darkened. 

“Still dressing up every day for a galaxy you don’t want?”

Kylo clenched his teeth, his hand twitching at his side.

“Don’t act like you aren’t pretending, that this whole last Jedi thing isn’t a huge facade.”

Her gaze turned cold as her fists clenched, “You don’t know anything.”

He shook his head, “You’re wrong, I know everything.” 

A lie, of course, he couldn’t even begin to understand the woman standing in front of him, understand what he had done to him. But it still made her shiver slightly, and that was good enough for him. 

He turned away from her, he couldn’t do this now. For months he had waited, but now that the time was upon him, he couldn’t face it. 

He wanted to hate her, and deep down he supposed he did. He hated her so much, the hate that made your stomach flip and your heart beat at a hundred parsecs because it fuels your adrenaline and you want to kill them. Maybe he could cut the connection, he didn’t need her to rule the galaxy, he had been managing perfectly fine on his own. She was dead to him. She WAS. 

“If I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?”

Ah, she must have caught that thought. 

“What?” He asked in response to her cryptic analysis.

“You say I’m dead to you and yet I still feel you from halfway across the galaxy, those gentle tugs.”

“You felt that?” He blurted out before he could stop himself as he turned to find her closer than she had been before.

Rey nodded, “Every single time, every night, every dream.” 

He swallowed awkwardly, “You dreamt about me?”

She nodded again, “I dreamed of you killing me. Aiming for my heart every time, going for blood.” 

“What a shame that it hasn’t come true yet.”

The comment startled her slightly but instead of coming back with a cruel rebuttal she spoke quietly, in a manner that could be mistaken for being gentle, “But you’d still miss me in your bones, just as I’d miss you.”

It was too late at night for this, he was exhausted (he was always exhausted) and really wasn’t to face this. Just as he was about to respond she continued, “Of course I’d hate it, but only because I don’t want to have to deal with whatever happens when one of us dies.” She added coldly, obviously trying to cover up any sentimentality from her previous comment. 

“I think I’d enjoy the peace and quiet,” Kylo replied bitterly. 

“Then kill me, just do it already, you could probably stab me right in the heart with that dagger on your belt.”

Before she could say another word, he summoned said dagger from his belt and raised it towards her, his hand shaking slightly as he threatened her. Rey stretched her hand out, flicking her wrist so the dagger flew into her waiting palm. “And here I was thinking you were the professional.” 

He ignored her, turning and making his way to his closet, pulling the door back behind him but not closing it, just making sure she couldn’t see him as he pulled off his thick tunic and putting on the plain black sweater. 

“Your mother wants to talk to you.”

He stormed out of the closet, raising a finger at her, “Do not talk about her.” He exclaimed.

Rey’s expression hardened as she gave him a pointed look, “Why? Because you are afraid to admit the truth or because you are going to continue to run from it?”

“And what is it? The truth? If you know so much, do share with the group.” He spat.

Her face fell and he watched as looked at him with plaintive, sad eyes, “You’re lonely.” She said quietly, “Just like me.”

He could feel her confusion through the strange connection. She wanted to hate him, but just like him, she wasn’t sure how. Because beneath all the frustration and anger, there was that understanding, those… _feelings._

_Of HATE._ He reminded himself. 

“You’re lonely because you will always be a scavenger from Jakku holding onto parents who didn’t love you in a hope that you will find some kind of purpose.” The words tasted bitter on his tongue as he forced them out. She hurt him, she attacked him, he wanted to do the same, no matter how bad it made him feel. 

He felt her rage as she ran at him, her hands shoving his shoulders as she punched his chest. It didn’t particularly hurt. Well, the punches didn’t, the cries did though. 

He held onto her hands, pulling them away from his chest as he looked down at her watery eyes. The dagger was in her hand as she shoved him against the wall, holding it to his throat as she held his gaze, “You keep tossing out blame for _your_ hurt, drunk on this pain that you have wrapped yourself in.” She said.

“You aren’t any better.”

“Perhaps not, but at least I am doing something about it.”

“And what’s that? Following a band of traitors across the galaxy?”

She paused for a moment as if she were contemplating her answer before shaking her head, “No, but at least I admit it.”

“And I don’t?”

“You don’t. You hold it all in because you are a coward.”

Every word she said was true, he ran from the past, refusing to let his mistakes catch up on him. But this one had. She’d caught up with him. 

“You could slit my throat.”

“I could.”

“You’d save the resistance a lot of time.”

“I would.”

“But you don’t want to.”

Her breath hitched as she nodded slowly, “I really don’t want to.” 

The tears she had been holding back fell down her cheeks and he couldn’t help but reach out and brush them away. She flinched and he dropped his hand as the blade pinched his skin. 

They were close, ridiculously close for two people who hated each other. He watched as her gaze flickered from his eyes to his lips then back to his eyes. 

He hadn’t considered what it’d be like to kiss her.

Only when her lips crashed against his did he realise how long he’d been waiting for it. 

The dagger remained at his throat as she kissed him, her teeth nipping his lip slightly as she deepened the kiss, the hand that wasn’t gripping the dagger sinking into his hair. When his arms wrapped around her, holding her close, he felt complete. 

This was it. This was home. 

Force, he hated her, he hated her so much. 

So much it made his heart pound and his stomach flip. 

Her lips against his were intoxicating and if she killed him now, he’d die a happy man. 

Suddenly, the dagger clattered to the floor, and his arms felt empty. 

For a moment, he refused to open his eyes. 

Because when he did, she was gone.

“I hate you.” He breathed into the empty room. 

He felt her reply float across the bond to him.

_“I hate you too.”_

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed please consider leaving comments and kudos!  
> Come say hi:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/reylotrash711)  
> -  
> -  
> -  
> -  
> Rey holds a dagger to Ben's throat in a moment of anger.


End file.
